Cross posted from my regular blog:

Found it here:
[link:maradydd.livejournal.com]

from a link on Kaisa's blog:
[link:www.unix-girl.com]

I compiled all the good ones from the comments as well:

C:

I don't think C gets enough credit. Sure, C doesn't love you. C isn't

about love--C is about thrills. C hangs around in the bad part of town.

C knows all the gang signs. C has a motorcycle, and wears the leathers

everywhere, and never wears a helmet, because that would mess up C's

punked-out hair. C likes to give cops the finger and grin and speed

away. Mention that you'd like something, and C will pretend to ignore

you; the next day, C will bring you one, no questions asked, and toss

it to you with a you-know-you-want-me smirk that makes your heart race.

Where did C get it? "It fell off a truck," C says, putting away the

boltcutters. You start to feel like C doesn't know the meaning of

"private" or "protected": what C wants, C takes. This excites you. C

knows how to get you anything but safety. C will give you anything but

commitment

In the end, you'll leave C, not because you want

something better, but because you can't handle the intensity. C says

"I'm gonna live fast, die young, and leave a good-looking corpse," but

you know that C can never die, not so long as C is still the fastest

thing on the road.

Python: Python cares deeply about you and

does its best to make your life easier. Python is willing to try new

things to make you happy -- "Sure, I can do generators, if that's what

you want" -- and really doesn't mind if you're seeing other languages

on the side. It insists upon arranging the cupboard into strict rows,

but you stop noticing after a while, and eventually you come to prefer

your shelves organized this way. Your friends think this is weird until

they start dating Python too.

Ruby: Your older sister is the

most popular cheerleader in school, but she's kind of a slut. You think

that maybe if you add more features, the boys will like you just as

much.

PHP: You've seen what works for Ruby and you think it will

work for you too, but you haven't figured out that lipstick doesn't go

on your cheeks and you shouldn't brush your hair with a mascara wand.

C++:

C++ has seen people in love, and thinks it has everything figured out.

C++ thinks it loves you, but it errs on the side of being controlling

when it thinks it's being concerned and caring.

Ada: You are far

more flexible than C++, and know how to be strict and forgiving at the

same time. However, your tendency to wear the bondage and discipline

gear all the time, as opposed to when your lover asks you to bring it

out, frightens people off. You need to learn to stop calling people

"worm" and "slave" in front of their mothers.

Java: You try to

be loving, but you were raised by a commune of 60 nervous women who

have told you that everything you do is loving, even when it isn't.

Your unhelpful behaviors have never been corrected and everything you

do is subtly wrong and destructive.

JSP: You are Java's younger sister, working in a strip club to pay for your women's studies degree.

Perl:

You're incredibly enthusiastic and you have five different ways of

doing anything that anyone could possibly want to do. As a result, you

tend to overwhelm people and you leave a bad impression on people who

could otherwise benefit from knowing you. You promise people answers to

all their questions, but you're not ready for a real relationship. You

like to guess what people want, but tend to jump to conclusions. When

other people would say "what, really?", you've already gotten out a

ball-peen hammer and a tub of beeswax. Because of this, people find

themselves speaking to you using a range of expressions and vocabulary

even more limited than what they'd use for someone who didn't speak the

language at all.

Smalltalk: Smalltalk won't meet you outside

Smalltalk's apartment. Smalltalk says that if you really loved it, you

wouldn't leave.

OCaml: You know yourself to be fast, smart, and

extremely reliable. However, you look kind of funny and nobody really

wants to talk to you. You spend most of your time sitting in a public

library glaring at people, occasionally yelling "NOBODY HERE

APPRECIATES MY GENIUS!" and getting kicked out.

Prolog: You are

a deaf and blind synthaesthete, who experiences the world entirely

through smells, each of which triggers expansive flurries of poetry and

music in your mind. Certain problems are trivial for you, but nobody

will ever understand the answers you give them, because your numbering

system involves colors that cannot be perceived by humans. Prolog can

sometimes have a good time with people, but it's hard for a person to

stay with someone who only wants them for their ochre vibrato.

Lisp:

Lisp cares about you, but really loves itself more than it will ever

love you. Lisp thinks that it's the world's greatest lover, and it is a

lot of fun, but it's completely blind to its own inadequacies. Watch

out: it flies into a rage if it finds you've been seeing C on the side.

Lisp swears up and down that it can be anything and anyone you want,

and in a lot of ways it's right, but in the end, it's still Lisp.

Logo:

Lisp's adorable 7-year-old niece who likes to play with her toy turtle.

On casual conversation, she proves to be disturbingly worldly and

well-informed. You resolve not to let your kids play around Lisp's

house. Thinking about using Logo in any serious way makes you feel a

bit dirty.

Visual Basic: You're a fifteen-year-old girl with her

very own computer in her room, pinging random strangers on AIM and

claiming to be a 23-year-old girl who wants to cyber with them.

However, your efforts fail at convincing people, mostly because you

aren't very imaginative and most of the things you're promising them

are ideas you ripped off from other sources and changed slightly,

leaving them less believable.

ASP.NET: As above, except you're a fifteen-year-old boy.

Objective

C: You grew up in a cold and loveless home. Everything you know about

love, you learned by listening to Smalltalk and Lisp's sex parties in

the apartment next door. Now you have met a sweet young thing named

Darwin, and you are eager to please.

Dylan: Sombody sat Lisp down and told it it was too clingy. Now it's bipolar.

Twisted:

Twisted Python not only loves you, it loves everyone, in 10ms

intervals, on demand. But once you learn to take turns, you don't

notice the difference.

E: E is very clear about its hard limits,

and there are a lot of them. It tells you up front what you're not

allowed to do, and sometimes you end up forgetting what you can do

without pissing it off.

lex/yacc: lex and yacc are those twins

you have a one-night stand with every couple of years. In the

intervening period, you forget all about the neat tricks they can do,

and every time you meet up you end up learning them all over again. But

they're really rather one-sided, and schizophrenic in the same way C

is, so in the end it's good that they're not after you for a long-term

relationship.

Haskell: Haskell is pretty, but always uses an

elaborate range of prophylactic techniques. By the time you're all in

place, the person you're with no longer resembles Haskell. If you've

had other lovers, Haskell doesn't like many of the things that you may

have come to enjoy doing with them. Haskell will pretend never to have

heard of these things, and call you a pervert.

SML/NJ: You

cannot take anything away from a relationship with SML/NJ that you did

not bring with you. If you leave anything at SML/NJ's apartment when

you break up, SML/NJ will leave it on your doorstep without ringing the

bell.

Assembler: Assembler has no limits -- none whatsoever --

but you have to make it do what you want. It will not make a move to

help you; assembler just lies there.

FORTRAN: FORTRAN isn't a

real relationship. Telling people you're happy with FORTRAN is like

telling people you'll be happy taking care of your cats for the rest of

your life and don't really need another person.

RATFOR: Like

Fortran, except you write (and post) fanfics where one of your cats

turns into a dashingly uninhibited catboy/catgirl and sweeps you off

your feet.

Clu: Learned everything it knows about relationships

from a manual published in 1972 by a hippie commune, and refuses to

learn any more. Friendly, but inflexible.

COBOL: COBOL is a sad

office accountant that nobody loves. Nobody ever sees COBOL outside of

the office. From time to time, somebody wonders whether they could

break COBOL out of its shell. When they try to flirt with COBOL, COBOL

just stares blankly ahead, as if waiting for the punchline.

Scheme:

Your parents asked their friend Lisp to dress up as a schoolteacher and

introduce you gently to the arts of love. At first, everything is

smooth, if a bit idiosyncratic. Before long, though, scheme has asks

whether you want to try something really fun, and then out come call/cc

and the hygenic macros.

Matlab: Matlab stands on a street

corner, and does one thing. Matlab does this one thing very well, and

very quickly. Some people try to have relationships with Matlab. They

think that Matlab has a beautiful soul, and they like that thing that

Matlab does. This always ends badly: Matlab has no love for anybody.

Matlab is dead inside.

XML: After six months, you discover that

XML is actually a realdoll and not really a person at all, but you've

already bought her so many accessories and attachments that you're

determined to make your relationship work.

XSLT: Look! When you pose XML like this, it looks like she's breathing!

XML-CSS3: Look! XML has her own livejournal!

XML-Schema: Look! XML is answering online quizzes about what she likes and dislikes!

XML-Namespace: Look! Your friends have brought their XMLs over! It's like they're having a party!

ASN.1:

Like XML, excecpt that you're way more serious about it. You can hear

ASN.1's voice whispering to you when you're not around, telling you to

do things to make it happy. Eventually, you marry it. Your friends try

to help you: you push them away one by one. They don't understand.

Nobody understands ASN.1 but you.

Erlang: your boyfriend

always seems to have the right answer for every situation, but you

can't shake the feeling that he's just reading them from a big script

somewhere. His left hand and his right hand don't seem to know what the

other is doing. When you fight, and he can't figure out what to do, he

tends to disconnect and revert back to a previous known-good state,

like a kind of willful amnesia. He is excellent on the phone.

INTERCAL:

You are a cuddly teddy bear made out of barbed wire and asbestos,

raised in a cage as a lab animal. You were taught to love by a bitter

psychology grad student with a grudge against the world. In your

experience, jabbing people with knives is a show of affection, and

berating them with insults represents empathy. Girls ask you out on a

dates because their friends dared them to do so. You will die alone.

Also, the only words you know are in Estonian.

Malbolge: You are

the third cousin once removed of Satan. Too evil to live, too cute to

care. Your sharp teeth and claws make foreplay a painful experience,

which is just the way you like it. People think they like you because

you're bad, but if they were to stop and think about it, they'd realize

that no, they don't really like you at all.

C#: Your wealthy

parents always told you that the other kids were just jealous of how

smart you are. They were lying. Everybody hates you because you are an

arrogant and fickle jerk. You think everyone will keep up with your

whims and sudden changes of direction, but in fact the only reason they

play with you is because their parents make them. Your girlfriend broke

up with Java to go out with you, and will break up with you the moment

your stock portfolio begins to wane. Clowns make rude gestures to you

behind your back.

Lua: you've heard of love, but it isn't

important enough to have around all the time, so you keep it in a

separate module and just bring it out on special occasions. As a

result, you tend to forget what the syntax is and how everything is

supposed to fit together.

The Boost library is a suitcase that C++ carries around... "to be prepared", C++ says.

It's

full of everything from a small hotplate so you can make C++ breakfast

in bed, to an italian phrasebook so you can whisper sweet nothings in

C++'s ear, to an engagement ring in case C++ decides you're the right

one.

"Look, honey!", C++ says. "The breakfast kit has fresh eggs

and imported swiss cheese and caviar and melba toast and a little

coffeemaker! You'll make us the tastiest breakfast ever!"

The

variety and forethought are impressive, and some of the stuff actually

does wind up making your life with C++ easier and more pleasant, but

you can't shake the feeling that the whole think is more about C++'s

needs than yours.

Visual Basic for Applications is much like VB.

She also claims to be 23 and try to cyber strangers at random, but the

acts she proposes are so anatomically ludicrous that it's soon clear

that she hasn't hit puberty yet, and has never actually seen another

person naked.

Forth is a beautiful but emotionally unstable

foreign exchange student from Poland (reverse Poland, in fact). The sex

is quick, hard, and vaguely confusing. You'll never really relate to

each other: Forth communicates mainly through gestures, significant

glances, and inappropriate touch. When you want something from Forth,

you point to a Forth, point to a body part, and shout an imperative

verb. Oddly, Forth sees nothing wrong with this arrangement.

Eventually,

Forth will decide for unrelated reasons to go back home and forget ever

having left Poland. This will include forgetting you.

Z, B, and

UML share a flat together. Only UML actually has a job; the others are

too artistically sensitive. They'll flirt with you; they'll weave

elaborate fantasies (in painstakingly clinical detail) about what they

want to do to you; and they'll write you long love letters about

running away together. At no point will there be actual physical

contact: they say their love is too pure.

Pascal has an almost

charmingly naive notion of how matters should proceed: first one is

introduced, next one flirts, and so on. The charm wears thin when you

realize how inflexible Pascal is: once you're dating, Pascal won't

flirt. Once you're going steady, Pascal won't date. If you move in

together, Pascal will drive you crazy by alternating between displays

of obsessive behavior ("This drawer is marked '24-piece flatware set',

but there are 25 pieces!!!"), and rank slobbishness ("I didn't throw

that trash away; I thought you might need it.").

Modula 3 and

Delphi are Pascal's more well-adjusted cousins, but after Pascal,

you're a little gun-shy. Besides, they don't have any friends anyway,

and Delphi wants a small donation before your first date.

J: You

come from an African tribe that communicate only in popping noises. You

make no effort to learn english, and you don't care that nobody

understands you - they're obviously not smart enough to go out with you

anyway.

GW-BASIC: An "advanced" love robot from decades ago

built out of stainless steel bricks and servo motors. Has a modest

collection of simple actions that let you pretend you're dating it,

which you do... right up until the day you realize it has the bizzare

inability to point at anything, which freaks you out.

You

overcorrect by dumping it for C which will, years later, leave you

bloodied and chained upside-down to the underbelly of a giant

experimental turbine engine falling from 30,000 feet, saying, "Hey bub,

that's exactly what you told me you wanted."

FORTH - You are

assembler's slutty younger cousin. You have some glimmers of deeper

languages, but they are dulled by your trailer. You are more attractive

and active than assembler. You like to play with hardware and you can

do it in anyway possible. You can even lay there like assembler if they

want. You like to talk, but ultimately, conversations with you are

terse and limited. Nevertheless, those that have had you think of you

often.